the odd flow of things

I had a train of thought that came from my utter emotions. I felt… afraid, confused, a sudden clutch on my heart that froze me. But through these emotions, as I went through the process of thinking and calming down, I realized there are only two things in my life that are completely and one hundred percent certain: I am in need of a saviour and I have a Saviour that is willing to fill my need.

I was browsing through Minsoo’s pictures from Ms this past semester. While re-living the memories, I came across this picture:

These are my arms. To make the Prison skit even more realistic and hardcore, we received fake tattoos of dinosaurs and Power Rangers. The thing that oddly got to me about this picture is you cant see my scars ( maybe minsoo did some photoshop). Before I became a Christian in high school, I tried to commit suicide when I was 14. It left scars on my right wrist ( Power ranger ) that grew more and more transparent as my years grew. These days, its not very easy to see but in high school they used torment me. I used to be unable to deal with the questions and pondering stares about them. I dream that when I go to heaven, I’ll look down at my wrist and see that it’ll be all gone. It won’t exist anymore.

In many ways, my scars represent my sin. They represent my failures, my selfishness, anger and pride. I see it all and I think, ” How can I? How could I possibly fight all of this on my own?” I’m so thankful for who God is. Even in the midst of fires and storms He has a purpose and it is GOOD. Even when everything feels so wrong and you think you’ll never make it, He is doing it. I thought about this and I wonder how non-believers do it. When things get incredibly hard, who do they go to? How are they secure? The world needs a Saviour. In our very worst and even our best, we can turn to God with confidence and know He will only give us good gifts. He will always be our rock, our true love, our king. But they don’t know Him and don’t know the joy of being saved.

Why do we live like we don’t have a Saviour? Why do we turn to things that we know deep inside will never fulfill us? If we’ve achieved what we wanted to achieve, perfect everything we wanted to perfect, be loved by those we desired to love us, gain the respect of everyone we desired it from, be loved by all…  would it ever be enough? Would it ever completely satisfy? The world has already shown us that it cannot do it for us. Is it worth it to seperate ourselves from God for these things?

Lock- in this past Friday was one of the best ones for me. Not because I stayed up all night and prayed the most or because it was the easiest. It was because from these months of being in the fire, I could finally see the fruit. Even if its just the beginning of it, I was so in awe of what God is doing. I know that nothing could fill me like Jesus can. I know that being in this time of hardship isn’t worth it if things resolve the way that I want… it is worth it because of this. Because of this relationship between God and me. Because I can have faith and grow and trust Him above all.